First comes stress...then comes baby...

I am stressed to the max. I know, I know... it's not good to be stressed... it doesn't help the baby. But I feel completely and totally unprepared for the future. I'm a planner by nature... which is a curse and a blessing in one.
Every single girlfriend has told me upon having a kid the financial aspect of your life just works. What does that mean? How does it just work? I don't want to be a mom that spends every moment of their life working because they have to. I don't want to be a mom that spends their time at home when they should be working causing major debt to occur. I just want to be somewhere in the middle and its hard as hell to find a content ground.
We are trying to get our house on the market..but of course devastating news came last night and I just don't see it as a possibility. We can definitely get what we owe on the house no problem... but the taxes for the year, the realtor fees, and whatever else on the list is causing us to come up with anywhere between $7,000 and $9,5000.00. I can't even fathom what any of those numbers looks like in real life because I've never held that much money in my hand. So here we sit...stuck. I'm trying not to be angry or a complete emotional mess..so I do just that....sit...feeling defeated and feeling stuck.
I'm not sure how people do it. I honestly don't get it. It baffles me. I know the expenses we are about to take on with our blessed miracle.... and all I can hope and pray that either my husband or I get some sort of raise in this pathetic economy.
I know, I know...negative nelly. I'm trying to look on the bright side. I'm trying to be thankful for all the things I should be thankful for. Nothing in my life has been an easy task... I'm not sure why after my dream of having a baby came true things would be any different.  

Silence is Golden

I have been abnormally quiet lately. I've been withdrawn from the crowd a bit, and definitely trying to keep to myself. I was kicked out of Weight Watchers and I have missed multiple days of work the month of April. Not like me you say? Well yes. I agree! So what's my deal? Well folks. April 4th I went to the doctor to do some blood work. After almost a year of having horrible hormonal issues, and meds and the in and out doctor's appointments....The results are in. I'm pregnant!
SHOCKED to say the least! Boy oh boy has life taken a turn for the crazy. The past few weeks alone have been a whirlwind. I immediately went to the doctor on April 7th for my first OB appointment. After routine urine and blood samples..I was pretty much handed a giant blue bag full of 'how to be pregnant' manuals/magazines/pamphlets, followed with samples of prenatal pills and a list of basic "To Do's". The following Monday April 11th I received a call from my doctor's office asking me to come in THAT day for an Ultrasound. My progesterone from my bloodwork was a little low so they wanted to make sure the baby was okay. Giving me barely 30 minutes notice, my husband rushed from work breaking the sound barrier to make it to our baby's first appointment. We arrived...and we were so blessed to see this tiny little thing inside me. Yes folks. It looks like a seahorse.... alien....thing. But I don't care. We were able to see a strong 144-120 beats per minute on the screen. They put me at approximately 7 weeks.
So here I am a few weeks later prepping for my doctor's appointment this upcoming Friday, April 29th. This appointment I should be able to hear a heartbeat and have another ultrasound to see how things are going. I'm nervous as all get out right now. I've been taking my progesterone pills daily. I am hoping for good news on Friday.
SO...for obvious reasons..... my blog has taken a bit of a turn. But it is called surviving this crazy thing called life for a reason.... I'm surviving. Now my plans are no longer to work my butt off to lose weight... but instead to work my butt off to be healthy not just for me but for this little tiny little prune-size thing inside me :) God has blessed me with a wonderful opportunity. One a lot of women do not have the chance to do anymore. There is not a day that goes by that I stop and take a moment to thank God for the wonderful miracle he has blessed my husband and I with.
Please join in celebrating me!!!!

Spring Break or Just Take a Break...

No weigh in this week for me. We are on 'Spring Break' apparently; yet I am not finding myself at a beach with college friends. I think I can officially call myself old when I laugh at people who take a Spring Break. I work. Most of us work through Spring Break.

No major topic of discussion but without a weigh in this week I think a bit of reflection is in order since it has been a few months since this whole process of self discovery began. This morning when I logged on I realized it was going to be an "Eat Pray Love" kind of day. Immediately, I searched Elizabeth Gilbert for quotes for inspiration/motivation to get me through this day. It's dreary outside, as it has been for days. We live in the Midwest not Seattle!

My life is going smoothly. I'm on my meds that make me ever so sick. A doctor appointment scheduled on Monday to update my blood work. Prayers are requested/needed/appreciated as I wait patiently for what the results may be. Good news... that's all I want. My weight loss has been a rough path traveled; however, I am staying on board and exercising multiples times a week on the treadmill. The healthy mindset has done wonders for my motivation and even though I've slipped up a handful of times, I get back on and keep on a truckin'.

Life with my family is good. Husband/wife life is great. Friends are good as well. Socially, I feel like there are always areas I can improve on. I'm working hard to remember to be me for me and not anyone else. Just like my health, there have been a handful of moments where I have slipped up and failed getting sucked into the 'drama' but then I retreat and bring myself back to normalcy. My safe haven is my home, with my husband and our dog.

Spiritually, I'm doing better. I really enjoyed my bible study group. I felt like it was a chance to meet new people. I dedicated myself to the 6 weeks and so far I have enjoyed myself. Our next session starts in May so the month of April I'm taking it easy. Attending church more is important to me; however, we have managed to attend a few times through our 6 week study. It's always refreshing and it gives me optimism.

I think that about updates everyone on life. There is much more in the works for not only myself but our family as well as we make preparations for my dad's departure this summer to Afghanistan. The next few months will be the most important. As always, prayers/support are always appreciated and never go unnoticed.

A Balancing Act....

Hello all,

I have had another successful week! :) After my big treadmill purchase! I was able to shed another 2.0lbs! The greatest part is, I have finally hit my 5% body weight mark! I'm down officially 11.2lbs. I think it's a relief to finally be over the 10lb slump. This week I plan to hit it hard and keep working on the treadmill!

I haven't really updated on another further in my life other than the weight loss. I have completed a full small group study with the ladies at Rock Brook church. After spending 6 weeks with them I am starting to feel a bit more accepted. It's definitely hard to fall into a crowd when everyone has been so close for so long. I think the study was a great opener for me. We did the 40 weeks of Love. I learned so much from forgiveness to learning to fight with a spouse to learning about my needs and where I need growth in my life.

Since January, I feel I am still in a really good place. I am working hard to focus on myself. Last night I had dinner with my best friend and told her there are a lot times I feel so selfish. I think I announce what I eat on a daily basis to people. I spend so much time telling people about me, that I have forgotten to still consider the needs of others. It is hard to find the balance between the two.

As always, prayers and support is ALWAYS welcome and appreciated. It has been such a motivation to know people are watching me and helping me along the way.
Love you all~

I think I can I think I can I think I can....

Above are a few pics of me from December at my sister's wedding. This is it folks. Actually, these are 'cropped' pics of me lol. Gross huh? Don't be nice now. lol My feelings won't be hurt. I am at a point in my life when I can honestly look at these and think "ugh, Ashley. Look what you have turned into!" I'm okay with it. I promise. So please join me by putting your noise in the air followed by 'gross'. Thank you. MUCH appreciated.

Last week was awful. I fumbled. I failed...I failed miserably. Obviously, as you probably could tell, I was down about myself. I couldn't have another week like the last. I knew exercising was going to be a hard option as the weather has been chilly and rainy. So sticking firmly to my diet ESPECIALLY when eating out was a must for me. So I can proudly announce this week, I lost about a pound which isn't much, but at least I wasn't in the 'gain' category!

I also purchased a treadmill. I am SUPER excited about it. Last night, my husband and I were able to maneuver it to the basement. After some laughter, a few close calls of losing it down the stairs, and an abundance of sweat... we found a resting spot! Tonight will be first night of pain. I am excited to get the ball rolling!

Below are a few recent pics of me. I guess I should have started a before and after picture. Oh well! Can we tell a difference already??? Where did 9.2lbs come from??? :)

Prayers are always welcome! Support is always appreciated! Encouragement from family and friends never goes unnoticed. Thank you all who have been an inspiration to me! I so appreciate your help more than words can say~

Negative Nelly

I don't have much to say... other than, this is my first crappy weigh in week. I gained .2lbs. I realize I had a bit of an extreme weekend. It's my own fault. I know I didn't eat accordingly, it was just so depressing to see the numbers move in the wrong direction.

Apart of me is extremely motivated and wants to hit my 10lb mark as soon as possible, but the other side of me feels defeated. I realize it's only .2lbs. It's not a full pound. But it's a move in the wrong direction. I feel like a failure. I let myself down. I let everyone else down. The thing is though, even though I had a 'food' weekend, I really did not touch the fried foods. I guess it was still too much though.

Lesson learned for me... veggies... fruits.. and back to poultry. I will just have to crave red meat a little bit longer. :( Prayers and support are very much requested this week... I just want to see improvement next week. I don't think I can handle another week feeling like I do.

I am an addict....to food.

Hello everyone!

I just had my weekly weigh in! I am proud to announce I am down 2.0lbs now a total combined 8.6lbs! I don't feel it anywhere...but I guess it's coming from somewhere. If I can push myself, 1.4lbs I'll be at my 10 pound mark, if I can really push myself to lose 2.7lbs I'll be at 5% of my body weight by next week! :)

I now understand what an 'addict' goes through in a sense. Spending time with people enjoying themselves. Gorging themselves in food. Dips, chips, cokes, cake.... ugh. Multiple helpings of pasta, pizza, and cookies. The list drags on and on. It's hard. The lows that I've hit and I am only in week 4 really. Gosh the lows are hard. Overcoming the psychological mindset. Overcoming the urges. I have a new found respect for those who have overcome their addictions to drugs, alcohol, or even smoking.

This was one of the hardest weeks I have had yet! I struggled. I cried. I felt hopeless. I felt alone. This was hard stuff. BUT, I am so so so so so grateful for all the people in my life who have been a huge support to me. My aunt has sent me weekly cards in the mail that I have proudly displayed at my house. My favorite is NEVER EVER EVER Give up. The friendly messages on Facebook, the emails, the phone calls...and seriously I think I tell everyone every week how I have no faith in myself and my support system listens to me complain. Daily. I'm not kidding, DAILY, I explain everything I've eaten. I am sure these people have no clue in what format they have helped me. But... thank you. Thank you all so much.

Prayers and support are always welcome...think of me as I push myself through this next week :)

Struggling....

Hello All!
My error! I completely forgot to update everyone on my weight loss activities. My apologies! I think it's been two weeks or so since my first weigh in. My first week on weight watchers I lost 3.6lbs! Pretty fantastic right!!!! I was a nervous wreck. Actually, you can pretty much assume I am a nervous wreck EVERY week because last week was my 2nd weigh in and I lost another 3.0lbs! I think the nervousness comes from the fact that I want to make sure I am doing everything correctly. I want to know that I am eating enough of the right things.

It has seriously been the hardest three weeks of my life! lol With my husband's lack of healthy food choices, to a busy schedule it is hard to eat correctly. Even grocery shopping is a pain. Trying to figure out what to eat, what to make, or what to make my husband. It's a little stressful. Even though Weight Watchers allows for me to eat whatever I want, I have restricted myself from a lot of starches, desserts, and pastas. I know, I know it's not the way to go but until I feel like I can control myself, I do not feel like I should be around those products. The temptation is too much for me.

Anyways, I wanted to give you a quick update on where things stand. Struggling... very much so struggling. That's the only word to describe how I feel. Everything is really hard at this point. Say prayers...and keep your fingers crossed for me!

Day 2.....

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to touch base with everyone! This week I have officially started both my bible study group and my Weight Watcher's diet. Bible study is okay so far. Runs a little late in the evenings for me since I have to travel almost 30 minutes back home...but it's doable at this point. Ironically, we are studying patience and kindness which are two aspects of my life I've neglected. The awful Midwest weather has me down in the dumps. I have zero tolerance for drivers in the snow...which has had a domino effect to the rest of my life. Short tempered to say the least. On Wednesday night I was reminded to slow down. Take it easy...and stay focused..

Speaking of staying focused, ... Weight Watchers! Leaving class on Wednesday I felt defeated before I began. For the first time in years I have my weight staring at me. Its carried somewhere on me every day for the last 2 days and it is a horrible/embarrassing reminder of what I have become. I had this overwhelming fear about this whole process. Would it work? Could I do it? The support at home and at work?? All of a sudden this whole weight loss thing became a stressor and I had a hard time sorting out my emotions. I want it to work. I want to be healthy, but most of all the weight-loss is going to help me jump start my family. I'm still sorting through my emotions...I hope I come out on top.

So, yesterday was my first official day. I think I managed to do okay as far as the points counting. I'm still learning the process and trying to calculate points, figure out what is good vs bad.. and coming up with recipes that will benefit myself and my husband. Exercising is also a huge weight on my shoulders. There's snow on the ground. I believe God has given me the opportunity for decent weather next week...I plan to take advantage of it. Spring/Summer...I need you!!! Please return to me!

The weekend is already here... so I will very much keep you posted how I come out on Monday... fingers crossed.

Outside Looking In.....

I have realized through my own road to transformation, I have been selfish. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not as I have spent so many months/years focusing on everyone else and how to make their life better. I have never lived for myself. Today, I stand struggling as I see people around me experiencing heartache or anger as they (like me) are beginning a new chapter of their life. I think, maybe, I am seeing it before they are realizing it.

As you know, I'm an HUGE Eat Pray Love fan.. so of course my morning routines required to read a daily Elizabeth Gilbert quote... It's inspirational! :) Anyways, I stumbled upon the following quote:

 "You take whatever works from wherever you can find it, and you keep moving toward the light."

And in the midst of not only my own revelation, I realize we all have our own paths in life. Whatever works for me is not necessarily what is best for others. My situations, my relationship, my lifestyle, who I am... It's my journey. I am not looking for acceptance from others any longer. I am looking to be okay with me. I'm looking for confidence, strength, and an identity.

Others who are experiencing trials and tribulations have their journey. I think transitioning from one chapter in our lives to another takes time. They should hold on to whatever works for them. From the outside looking in, it is my job to not judge them or even offer up guidance to them. What I can be is a friend. A shoulder to cry on, and the ear for listening. I mean, at the end of the day my only want is for those I love to find happiness. They deserve it more than they realize. I have nothing but faith that they will...no matter how long it takes.

I am okay.....

Snowed in! Yep, that's us here in the Midwest. Thankfully, I work for the education system...so when the kids are out...we're out! I figure this is forced time for me to update my blog.

Since my last posting, I have managed to keep my optimism level up. Which is unheard of for myself. The last Wednesday in January, I started a women's bible study group after months of invitations. It was only the meet and greet night, and of course with weather conditions it is cancelled for this evening, but it was a fantastic opportunity to meet other young ladies. I was so nervous. I'm such a people person; however, if I am not in my element, I become super reserved and uncomfortable. The group of women I met, were truly wonderful and I felt very accepted. We are starting a study on the 40 Days of Love which I have heard wonderful things about. I feel like this is a great step for me and I very much look forward to rebuilding my relationship with God.

ALSO,  last week... talking about changes in my life! lol. I have signed up for Weight Watchers. Yes. My 2nd commitment of the year. (Lucky for me both commitments are between 6-14 weeks long so I'm not OVER committing myself) Again...super nervous! Backtracking to the end of last summer, I had been in and out of he doctor's office multiple times in the end to find out I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I'm still learning what it means for me and my life. I've been on all sorts of meds (one of which makes me super sick), I'm constantly never feeling normal, and my lifestyle several months ago made it impossible for me to lose weight because I was so stressed. I have been searching for months to find an avenue to release my stress. SO... fast forward to the new year... here we stand. I am still making a conscious effort to keep my stress load to a minimum.

Why I chose Weight Watchers. Well first.. convenience. The Weight Watchers program is through my work. All the meetings are at work during my lunch break. Secondly, flexibility. I can make 3 monthly payments which is wonderful. If I miss a meeting, I have the opportunity to go anywhere else. I also have access to etools online for free (I'm still learning about this) Lastly. the support. I eat 2 meals a day at work..breakfast and lunch. There are a lot of people my age in the group, one of which is a woman experiencing the health issues as I am. Having fellow co-workers support as well as my husband and family, I think will make this process much more efficient for myself. Prayers are requested, I really want this to be a success for me. (Obviously, due to weather...my FIRST meeting is cancelled! But, next week I plan to start lol)

Last of topics to discuss, is just a follow up letting you guys know that I am okay. I am still optimistic. I have had a few moments where I saw the darkness and felt myself being drawn in. But, I have enough strength in myself to go back to the light of God, realize he is carrying me through this process and helping me because I finally have the desire to help myself. It is true what they say, you can't help those who do not want to help themselves. God is helping me.

Scattered in thoughts....

One thing about me that has always rang true to my heart is being patriotic. I think it's a word many of my friends would describe me as because I'm such a huge supporter of our military and their families. I become very defensive if people try to counteract what I believe.Coming from a military family myself, I have an overwhelming sense of pride for the men and women who serve our great country.

This morning on my way in to work I was listening to "American Soldier" by Toby Keith and it took me back to about 5...maybe 6 years ago when I drug my dad to a Toby Keith concert. We rarely do anything alone together, which has always been a regret of mine,....but anyways, I think my dad had a decent time that night. When "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" came over the speaker system I literally lost it. It was an unexpected emotional event as that was hands down my favorite song ever. Up to that moment, I had listened to that song over and over and over again on repeat, so the unexpected breakdown caught me off guard. To this day...I'm not sure what made me lose my control. The American flags...unison of everyone swaying and singing together... the lights, Toby Keith himself... I'm not sure.

This summer my dad is leaving to do his tour in the middle east. I have so many mixed emotions. Once again having pride because he's my dad, he's doing something great, and he is such an amazing man. As scary as it might be for our family...and for my dad in some aspects, this is something my dad has wanted to do since September 11th. Pessimistically, I have feelings of sadness as he is one of the first people I call every day when I get off work. After my husband, I call my dad when my tire is flat, when my check engine light is on. Thinking back to my teen years when our relationship struggled the most I wonder if I have told him I love him enough? Have I made up for everything bad/negative in our past? Or have I shown my appreciation to him enough? Have I shared enough positive experiences with him? Are there enough memories?

I have no doubt in my mind that my dad will make it home safely. I firmly believe it. I have total faith in God and I know my dad does, too. My whole family does. We believe in the power of prayer. I believe.

I know my blog is a little scattered in thoughts...but it's that kind of morning...so I am not going to edit/rewrite my thoughts to make more sense. I'm not going to change the grammar to be grammatically correct. This kind of morning is random, unorganized, and chaotic in thoughts... so will my blog.

Eat*Pray*Love

Have you seen the movie "Eat Pray Love"? If you haven't it's definitely a must see! I hear the book is even better which is why it's on my bucket list of things to do. Anyways... the movie. Back to raving about how wonderful it truly is. For those of you who are in my shoes, struggling with life, struggling with your identity, and/or self worth, I highly recommend you stop what you are doing right this very second and rent/buy it immediately. Yes, it is THAT fantastic. I would not lie. Julia Roberts does a fantastic job playing portraying me in the movie...now, the marriage part has nothing to do with me, athough the metaphor of losing onesself I can relate to but no, I'm not leaving Jake nor am I about to go find a James Franco-wanna-be to consume my time. Although I do find myself fighting the urge to board a plane and live life for a year just traveling. 

Through the last year of my life I have come to realize I never really used to have a passion for anything. I've never had a hobby. I am openly admitting I do not have have a favorite author? I can not recall the last time I read a book. Pathetic, I'm aware. I've always consumed my time with working multiple jobs, and/or going to school full time. When I did have time off, I involved myself with others...baby showers, birthdays, weddings, ugly sweater parties in December. My list could go on and on. Therefore, I am officially calling this time in my life as an early-midlife crisis.

So, if you see me use any sorts of quotes or any references, you can assume they will be from Eat Pray Love. When I read the book finally, I will probably be praising it, referencing it, and living it much like I am already doing the above mentioned with the movie.

I leave you with my quote for the day. Elizabeth Gilbert herself said... "I am a better person when I have less on my plate." And, I shall live by that for the moment. As this is the third wekeend of the New Year, and I have NO plans for the weekend. Dinner with my lovely husband this evening...and then ZERO commitment for the rest of my weekend. Somewhere in there...finding the book "Eat Pray Love" and reading it...then maybe rewatching the movie as I prep for a new work week.

A New Year...and New Start?

I'm not typically the kind of woman to do a New Year's resolution. Every time I've made the effort to start a diet, or work out...I fail. I promise myself to work on my finances better...then I fail. So this year... I've not publicly made any sort of 'resolution' but within myself I have made the choice to be me. I'm not sure why starting on January 1st makes this a big deal, maybe all the hype of 'starting fresh' or a 'clean slate' makes the new year worth giving life a 2nd....or 3rd chance at starting over.


There are characteristics about myself that I am going to working on...many of which all stem from one common concept of putting myself first. Saying No. Finding myself. Establishing an identify... It's my goal for the year and in order to do that I must really push myself everyday to be the 'new' person I want to truly be.I have no desire to re-evaluate my life in December of 2011...but I do want to track through this year how I am coping, the things  I am learning, and how my life is maturing/improving with each passing day.


First things first... praying. I will never get anywhere in life if I don't get back to the root of it all and pray. Openly, I'm admitting my relationship with God has suffered...life, friends, school, work, drama... it's all come between my once solid foundation with God. So... praying. Reconnecting and rebuilding that's my plan for this year. Incorporating loving and positive relationships in my life to improve myself. Reading devotionals, witnessing to others, reading the Bible, and/or putting myself in a church atmosphere are important.


Secondly, without going in to my health and a huge long drawn out story... Getting my life in order means getting healthy and having a family... going to the doctor?? check. Taking my pills...check check. I need to make this a priority and get my system in order. I want more than anything to have a baby. I need to focus on getting my body figured out in order to achieve my goal.


Thirdly and lastly, I figure I will be working for the rest of my life, especially in our economic times. Luckily, in my work environment I'm blessed to have the benefit of flexibility and mounds of time off. I should take advantage of this opportunity. What am I saving up my time off for?? I'm not looking for a big vacation, but exploring the city I live in, or even better just closing my eyes and pointing to a map... That's what I want to do. Just go.... Try new things. Eat new foods. Learn to sew. Learn a new language! Learn to dance. Cook great foods... try new wines... ride a Ferris wheel...buy fantastic new shoes I'll wear once in my life..Go to a concert...go hiking... enjoy what God created.


This year has me optimistic and I want to stay that way. I realize there will be days of struggle...but I figure having a constant reminder of my blog will keep me focused and dedicated to myself. With that being said...wish me good luck :)