I think I can I think I can I think I can....

Above are a few pics of me from December at my sister's wedding. This is it folks. Actually, these are 'cropped' pics of me lol. Gross huh? Don't be nice now. lol My feelings won't be hurt. I am at a point in my life when I can honestly look at these and think "ugh, Ashley. Look what you have turned into!" I'm okay with it. I promise. So please join me by putting your noise in the air followed by 'gross'. Thank you. MUCH appreciated.

Last week was awful. I fumbled. I failed...I failed miserably. Obviously, as you probably could tell, I was down about myself. I couldn't have another week like the last. I knew exercising was going to be a hard option as the weather has been chilly and rainy. So sticking firmly to my diet ESPECIALLY when eating out was a must for me. So I can proudly announce this week, I lost about a pound which isn't much, but at least I wasn't in the 'gain' category!

I also purchased a treadmill. I am SUPER excited about it. Last night, my husband and I were able to maneuver it to the basement. After some laughter, a few close calls of losing it down the stairs, and an abundance of sweat... we found a resting spot! Tonight will be first night of pain. I am excited to get the ball rolling!

Below are a few recent pics of me. I guess I should have started a before and after picture. Oh well! Can we tell a difference already??? Where did 9.2lbs come from??? :)

Prayers are always welcome! Support is always appreciated! Encouragement from family and friends never goes unnoticed. Thank you all who have been an inspiration to me! I so appreciate your help more than words can say~

Negative Nelly

I don't have much to say... other than, this is my first crappy weigh in week. I gained .2lbs. I realize I had a bit of an extreme weekend. It's my own fault. I know I didn't eat accordingly, it was just so depressing to see the numbers move in the wrong direction.

Apart of me is extremely motivated and wants to hit my 10lb mark as soon as possible, but the other side of me feels defeated. I realize it's only .2lbs. It's not a full pound. But it's a move in the wrong direction. I feel like a failure. I let myself down. I let everyone else down. The thing is though, even though I had a 'food' weekend, I really did not touch the fried foods. I guess it was still too much though.

Lesson learned for me... veggies... fruits.. and back to poultry. I will just have to crave red meat a little bit longer. :( Prayers and support are very much requested this week... I just want to see improvement next week. I don't think I can handle another week feeling like I do.

I am an addict....to food.

Hello everyone!

I just had my weekly weigh in! I am proud to announce I am down 2.0lbs now a total combined 8.6lbs! I don't feel it anywhere...but I guess it's coming from somewhere. If I can push myself, 1.4lbs I'll be at my 10 pound mark, if I can really push myself to lose 2.7lbs I'll be at 5% of my body weight by next week! :)

I now understand what an 'addict' goes through in a sense. Spending time with people enjoying themselves. Gorging themselves in food. Dips, chips, cokes, cake.... ugh. Multiple helpings of pasta, pizza, and cookies. The list drags on and on. It's hard. The lows that I've hit and I am only in week 4 really. Gosh the lows are hard. Overcoming the psychological mindset. Overcoming the urges. I have a new found respect for those who have overcome their addictions to drugs, alcohol, or even smoking.

This was one of the hardest weeks I have had yet! I struggled. I cried. I felt hopeless. I felt alone. This was hard stuff. BUT, I am so so so so so grateful for all the people in my life who have been a huge support to me. My aunt has sent me weekly cards in the mail that I have proudly displayed at my house. My favorite is NEVER EVER EVER Give up. The friendly messages on Facebook, the emails, the phone calls...and seriously I think I tell everyone every week how I have no faith in myself and my support system listens to me complain. Daily. I'm not kidding, DAILY, I explain everything I've eaten. I am sure these people have no clue in what format they have helped me. But... thank you. Thank you all so much.

Prayers and support are always welcome...think of me as I push myself through this next week :)

Struggling....

Hello All!
My error! I completely forgot to update everyone on my weight loss activities. My apologies! I think it's been two weeks or so since my first weigh in. My first week on weight watchers I lost 3.6lbs! Pretty fantastic right!!!! I was a nervous wreck. Actually, you can pretty much assume I am a nervous wreck EVERY week because last week was my 2nd weigh in and I lost another 3.0lbs! I think the nervousness comes from the fact that I want to make sure I am doing everything correctly. I want to know that I am eating enough of the right things.

It has seriously been the hardest three weeks of my life! lol With my husband's lack of healthy food choices, to a busy schedule it is hard to eat correctly. Even grocery shopping is a pain. Trying to figure out what to eat, what to make, or what to make my husband. It's a little stressful. Even though Weight Watchers allows for me to eat whatever I want, I have restricted myself from a lot of starches, desserts, and pastas. I know, I know it's not the way to go but until I feel like I can control myself, I do not feel like I should be around those products. The temptation is too much for me.

Anyways, I wanted to give you a quick update on where things stand. Struggling... very much so struggling. That's the only word to describe how I feel. Everything is really hard at this point. Say prayers...and keep your fingers crossed for me!

Day 2.....

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to touch base with everyone! This week I have officially started both my bible study group and my Weight Watcher's diet. Bible study is okay so far. Runs a little late in the evenings for me since I have to travel almost 30 minutes back home...but it's doable at this point. Ironically, we are studying patience and kindness which are two aspects of my life I've neglected. The awful Midwest weather has me down in the dumps. I have zero tolerance for drivers in the snow...which has had a domino effect to the rest of my life. Short tempered to say the least. On Wednesday night I was reminded to slow down. Take it easy...and stay focused..

Speaking of staying focused, ... Weight Watchers! Leaving class on Wednesday I felt defeated before I began. For the first time in years I have my weight staring at me. Its carried somewhere on me every day for the last 2 days and it is a horrible/embarrassing reminder of what I have become. I had this overwhelming fear about this whole process. Would it work? Could I do it? The support at home and at work?? All of a sudden this whole weight loss thing became a stressor and I had a hard time sorting out my emotions. I want it to work. I want to be healthy, but most of all the weight-loss is going to help me jump start my family. I'm still sorting through my emotions...I hope I come out on top.

So, yesterday was my first official day. I think I managed to do okay as far as the points counting. I'm still learning the process and trying to calculate points, figure out what is good vs bad.. and coming up with recipes that will benefit myself and my husband. Exercising is also a huge weight on my shoulders. There's snow on the ground. I believe God has given me the opportunity for decent weather next week...I plan to take advantage of it. Spring/Summer...I need you!!! Please return to me!

The weekend is already here... so I will very much keep you posted how I come out on Monday... fingers crossed.

Outside Looking In.....

I have realized through my own road to transformation, I have been selfish. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not as I have spent so many months/years focusing on everyone else and how to make their life better. I have never lived for myself. Today, I stand struggling as I see people around me experiencing heartache or anger as they (like me) are beginning a new chapter of their life. I think, maybe, I am seeing it before they are realizing it.

As you know, I'm an HUGE Eat Pray Love fan.. so of course my morning routines required to read a daily Elizabeth Gilbert quote... It's inspirational! :) Anyways, I stumbled upon the following quote:

 "You take whatever works from wherever you can find it, and you keep moving toward the light."

And in the midst of not only my own revelation, I realize we all have our own paths in life. Whatever works for me is not necessarily what is best for others. My situations, my relationship, my lifestyle, who I am... It's my journey. I am not looking for acceptance from others any longer. I am looking to be okay with me. I'm looking for confidence, strength, and an identity.

Others who are experiencing trials and tribulations have their journey. I think transitioning from one chapter in our lives to another takes time. They should hold on to whatever works for them. From the outside looking in, it is my job to not judge them or even offer up guidance to them. What I can be is a friend. A shoulder to cry on, and the ear for listening. I mean, at the end of the day my only want is for those I love to find happiness. They deserve it more than they realize. I have nothing but faith that they will...no matter how long it takes.

I am okay.....

Snowed in! Yep, that's us here in the Midwest. Thankfully, I work for the education system...so when the kids are out...we're out! I figure this is forced time for me to update my blog.

Since my last posting, I have managed to keep my optimism level up. Which is unheard of for myself. The last Wednesday in January, I started a women's bible study group after months of invitations. It was only the meet and greet night, and of course with weather conditions it is cancelled for this evening, but it was a fantastic opportunity to meet other young ladies. I was so nervous. I'm such a people person; however, if I am not in my element, I become super reserved and uncomfortable. The group of women I met, were truly wonderful and I felt very accepted. We are starting a study on the 40 Days of Love which I have heard wonderful things about. I feel like this is a great step for me and I very much look forward to rebuilding my relationship with God.

ALSO,  last week... talking about changes in my life! lol. I have signed up for Weight Watchers. Yes. My 2nd commitment of the year. (Lucky for me both commitments are between 6-14 weeks long so I'm not OVER committing myself) Again...super nervous! Backtracking to the end of last summer, I had been in and out of he doctor's office multiple times in the end to find out I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I'm still learning what it means for me and my life. I've been on all sorts of meds (one of which makes me super sick), I'm constantly never feeling normal, and my lifestyle several months ago made it impossible for me to lose weight because I was so stressed. I have been searching for months to find an avenue to release my stress. SO... fast forward to the new year... here we stand. I am still making a conscious effort to keep my stress load to a minimum.

Why I chose Weight Watchers. Well first.. convenience. The Weight Watchers program is through my work. All the meetings are at work during my lunch break. Secondly, flexibility. I can make 3 monthly payments which is wonderful. If I miss a meeting, I have the opportunity to go anywhere else. I also have access to etools online for free (I'm still learning about this) Lastly. the support. I eat 2 meals a day at work..breakfast and lunch. There are a lot of people my age in the group, one of which is a woman experiencing the health issues as I am. Having fellow co-workers support as well as my husband and family, I think will make this process much more efficient for myself. Prayers are requested, I really want this to be a success for me. (Obviously, due to weather...my FIRST meeting is cancelled! But, next week I plan to start lol)

Last of topics to discuss, is just a follow up letting you guys know that I am okay. I am still optimistic. I have had a few moments where I saw the darkness and felt myself being drawn in. But, I have enough strength in myself to go back to the light of God, realize he is carrying me through this process and helping me because I finally have the desire to help myself. It is true what they say, you can't help those who do not want to help themselves. God is helping me.